It's tough to hear that you've been going through such a rough time. It sounds like you've been hit hard by some heavy feelings. Those deep bouts of self-hate, hopelessness, and numbness can feel overwhelming, especially when they come back after a long time. Just know that it's okay to acknowledge how you feel—it's a brave first step. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and there are paths to healing and support out there. If you feel comfortable, reaching out to someone to talk about it can be really helpful. Take care of yourself!